I am a positive person, I try to see the silver linings and I will just get on with what needs to be done. When a crisis happens I act and remain strong. I am not being modest its just fact. I will pick myself up, go to work, and carry on. I have been told many times this is my way of coping, by avoiding and shutting out emotions, and maybe they are right, maybe I do, but right now I can’t.
Recovery doesn’t feel like recovery any more, it feels like its taken a turn, it feels like a masked eating disorder. It feels like the beginning again, when everything was secretive and hidden.
When does life just become life? Living just living? I don’t mean to sound all lame but personally I am fed up of fighting day in day out just to be slightly normal. Why can’t I just simply be normal. It’s started to feel like this is never going to go away again. There was a time where I believed I was getting there, yes it was hard, yes I hated the changes bodily, I didn’t feel comfortable in my skin, in fact on a daily basis I wanted to crawl out of my skin and tear it into tiny pieces. But I was doing it, I believed that maybe, just maybe, there was a way out of this illness. Now I’m not so sure.
Ask me for anyone else and I 100% believe there is, in fact I KNOW there is, I’ve seen it happen. But for me? I don’t know anymore and it breaks my heart. It feels like this is all my life will ever be. I know everyone bears an untold story and all that jazz but I watch the people I am surrounded by and I wonder what life is like for them without an Eating Disorder, and it reminds me of how far from that I am. Don’t get me wrong, I am closer to ‘normality’ then I have ever been, but yet so far. And I hear people express that they think they are the same because of X Y and Z, that they understand what its like, and they don’t. An Eating Disorder is not a personality trait, it’s not just a niggling flaw, a diet, or slight self-conscious moment, it consumes you and destroys not only your life but the life’s of the ones you love. Its belittling, not only of the endless torment when your in it but also of the epically exhausting fight to pull through to the other side.
Relapse creeps up on you, it’s a sly bastard, one day you are doing ok, the next your convincing yourself your still ok and denying some of the small behaviours creeping in, and the next thing you know your back to major behaviours and it hits you like a brick in the face. Your Eating Disorder is back. Shit, how did that happen?
I Know that this post will hurt many people that I love, and for that I am sorry. I hate that I am also letting the people that were so proud of me down, the girls on the ward that have watched my Exeter experience and wanting to LIVE again and have fun again because of it. I am sorry.
I am not considering this to be a major relapse, it's really not. Physically I am fine, it's just 'int my head that I'm not. I guess what I’m saying is that I am struggling, and if I take away the secretiveness of that then maybe it will stop me falling even further. Maybe if I say it with words I do not have to resort to portraying it on my body. Maybe for once if I speak up rather then avoid it wont end with a hospital admission. Maybe if someone else is struggling they could do the same thing? Take away the secrets, be honest, work through it, speak up.
When will this end?