Saturday, July 19, 2014


Yesterday I hated this blog.
I hated the fact that I have created this new sense of strength, and that it stopped me reaching out and from telling people that I was struggling, because yesterday I really was.

It was, for many reasons, incredibly hard. 
Everything felt out of control and unpredictable and I felt overwhelmed with life. 
It was by far the worst day I've had in recovery so far.

Throughout the day I couldn't shake the feeling of the past.
Moments and Eating Disorder memories kept popping into my head, and the feelings that it triggered where so overwhelming, it was like intense flashbacks one after the other, and there was nothing I could do to stop them.

It all came back to me in a flood of flashbacks, and every painful memory, every shattering emotion, I felt all over again. 
I have no idea why or where it came from. Maybe because I'd had a few triggers happen in quick succession and my brain went into a bit of a melt down, but all I could think of was relapse. I craved it. It was like something snapped in my brain and I couldn't handle it. 

It broke my heart. Not because of the reasons you'd think, it broke me because even though it was such intense feelings my logical brain was still not allowing me to go backwards. 
I had to deal with these feelings and battle through, I had to feel the pain and not numb it with my Eating Disorder.

Relapse is not an option, it won't happen, but yesterday I craved it, and it broke my heart. Knowing you want something so badly, but knowing you can never have it is soul destroying. It's like mourning the loss of someone or something you loved, I can never have my anorexia back, that is a choice I have made, it is MY choice and one I will stick too, but it doesn't stop me from missing it, from craving it. Just like I'm sure a heorin addict craves a hit but knows it can't happen. Its an addiction, and boy did I feel it yesterday.
I wanted it more then anything, I was in tears, on my knees, begging my logical brain to just shut the hell up and let me relapse to let me give in and give up.

I won't relapse, because I truly believe if I did I would not make it out the other side this time. I am not willing to waste any more of my life and time on something that would not only destroy me but my family too. Im not going to give up on this recovery path because I would only have to do all this hard work again. I am hell bent on recovery and living life to the fullest. I know that now, but yesterday I had to remind myself of this over and over again, in between all the tears, in between the memories, over and over. 

This morning it is a different story, I woke up to a new day and my brain has settled, I got straight back on the right track and went out to breakfast with the guy I am seeing, and I'm back to being happy and content and it is a relief. It just goes to show that no matter how intense feelings are, they pass, and things can feel better
That one day has left me exhausted, and I am amazed at how I used to feel like that day in day out, which makes me even more thankful that I made it through, and even more amazed that I managed to pull myself out of that darkness. 

I know this may not seem like an upbeat post, or as 'positive and inspiring' as my others, but its the truth, recovery is hard, there are blips, but I made it through yesterday, I cried my tears and felt the pain of not allowing myself to fall backwards, I made it through, the feelings passed, I survived, and that will help me to continue surviving. 
I am stronger then I used to be.

'“My worst days in recovery are better than the best days in relapse.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

An insecure bad ass

Just recently I have been confused as to where I stand in this recovery journey, mainly because my 'recovery journey' is turning into more of a 'just life journey'.
I've found that the majority of my thoughts are now leaning towards life, and 'normality' rather then battling through negotiating with my Eating Disorder to keep choosing to fight.

Through this shift I got confused as to who I was, I was lost between the persona of 'Recovery Sami' and just 'Sami'. 

Recovery Sami is bad ass.
I know that. I am coming up against challenges and just knocking them out of the park, and it feels ok, and with the right people, even though they don't know, it even feels safe. It makes life easier and even though I still have to battle through some illogical thoughts sometimes I know they are just that, illogical thoughts, nothing that can actually affect me if I don't let it.
Just recently I have been bombarded by people thinking that I am relapsing, I posted a picture on Instagram after a run and had people telling me that I was looking ill again. For a while it sent my head into a spin, over thinking, worrying, doubting, until I got angry.
My recovery is MY recovery and if I think I am safe to exercise then I will. But instead of getting angry and defensive I am letting it go and just simply proving people wrong. 
Actions speak louder then words. 

But as I was saying, Recovery Sami is bad ass. Sami, actual Sami, is not so bad ass. 
As much as I'd like to think I am, I'm not. 
I am a worrier, an overthinking, impatient, and I never feel like I am enough. I've been trying to get my bad ass'ness to overlap, to kick my confidence into place, and sometimes I can, sometimes I can hold my head up high and remind myself that I'm not so bad. 
Other days I can't.
Then there are days were I just compare myself to everyone, especially at work, my brain kicks off into 'not as pretty as her, not as funny her, not as quick witted as her, not as liked as her' ect ect. 
My brain switches into that self critical mode, that mode that correlates so clearly with my Anorexia.
And for a while, because I've begun to think this way again, I believed the people that said I was relapsing. 
I felt my thoughts begin to take a turn and started to doubt my bad ass recovery side. 

Well I'm an idiot. 
Just because I can be insecure doesn't mean I am mentally ill again.......it means I'm flipping human.
What person, be it female or male, doesn't doubt themselves from time to time?  
Doesn't wonder if they are enough?

Sometimes I think we expect the life after recovery to be all happiness and fairytales. 
It's not. Sorry.
 Life still carries on and you will still come up against difficult situations. People promise you recovery will be worth it, and it will be, but that doesn't mean that life suddenly becomes easier. Life has more joy, more fulfillment, more meaning, more happiness but you will still have the tough times. But being in recovery hopefully means you are more equipped to deal with them, more able to make it through in a healthy way. Being in recovery can also mean that the insecurities aren't as smothering. Now if I'm having a bad day, with my self esteem at an all time low,  it only takes something little for me to snap out of it, be it a friend making me laugh, or the guy I'm seeing to say something nice, and all of a sudden I'm back to being a bad ass. 
Recovery means you can deal with these feelings, sit with them, then remind yourself that there's a possibility that things aren't so bad, YOU might not be so bad.

My insecurities will always be there, even if I'm not insecure about recovering, being a bad ass through that journey doesn't make me a bad ass for life, it means I'm stronger but I can still be vulnerable. 

I am no longer Mentally ill..........I am human. 
Insecure, but human.
Insecure and self critical but still a recovery bad ass.

An insecure bad ass.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Be careful

I'm trying to remind myself of how strong I am, yes that's right, I am a tough cookie, and yes, that was a compliment I just gave myself, and what? 

I am a bundle of nerves and my brain is in over drive, thankfully not to the extent it used to be, but the anxiety is still sitting in the depth of my stomach. I have a DXA scan today, which means a hospital appointment, and since pretty much living in a hospital for a long period of time it's not a pleasant experience to go back to them, especially when it's for the same cause. 

I get annoyed and angry at myself, and beat myself up for not realizing the extent of the damage I had been doing to my body. 
At the time I didn't care, didn't expect or even want to get to a point where I wanted to look after myself or be ok. It seemed a ridiculous idea to give me all the medication under the sun to keep my body ticking over because if I'd of wanted to look after myself I wouldn't of been destroying myself.
I didn't expect to regret it, but I do
 I suppose at the time I didn't realize what I was doing, couldn't see how bad things were, and it makes me sad, not for me, but for the people that COULD see every bit of damage, every kilo lost, every organ that started to struggle, every backwards step, every health warning sign, every body failing scare, they saw it all, with clear unclouded vision. 
My Anorexia protected me from that, it gave me a healthy helping (ironically) of denial. My family on the other hand didn't have that luxury, and I will never forgive myself for that.

I wish I could tell more people that are suffering that, to be careful, because the damage you do to your body can be permanent, but your state of mind, your internal turmoil isn't. 

I get Timehop memories on my phone and reading through some of them breaks my heart, I was so wrapped up in Anorexic thoughts that it was all my life was about. 
I was consumed day in day out and it's exhausting to even remind myself of. 
I can't quite believe how far I have come and how much has changed, for the better. 
I never believed I would get here. 
Don't get me wrong I still have my slip ups, when I am stressed or anxious I sometimes find myself running to old coping mechanisms, but I catch myself at it and give myself a talking to. 
Seeing these memories, rereading past thoughts hits home just how much I have fought, what I have managed to pull myself out of.

Right now I am happy, once today is over I can go back to not stressing about things, go back to loving life.
I am happy and it's nice, I like being happy, I like finding things to smile and laugh about.
I can't say I feel comfortable in my own skin yet, I don't like my body but I can accept and even start to believe that someone else can/does. I can accept that it is what it is and it's better to be bigger and better then fading away both in size and in life. 
 I can find things that are worth more then my size, fill my days with more important things so that how much space I take up becomes irrelevant. 

I will keep looking back on these memories, not because I want to live in the past, not to be nostalgic, not because I want any part of that lifestyle back, but because it reminds me that I am seriously tough. 

Because I can smile and say, you may still lose a few battles from time to time, but you are kicking ass at winning this war.