For those in recovery from an Eating
Disorder you will know that there are ups and downs. There are the good
days,the bad days and the days where we don't have a clue what voice we
are listening to, be it the Eating Disorder or logic.
There's the cliche mantra of taking things a day at a time, a meal at a time.
We
are told that if we have a bad day to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves
down and that tomorrow is a chance to get back on track.
We
are given all of these tools and sayings to help us self soothe when we
criticize and torment ourselves for slips, because a common trait for
those with Anorexia is black and white thinking, all or nothing,
perfectionists.
So it's hard when we slip to see it as just that, a slip.
It's hard when not all behaviors are gone to believe in recovery.
I
know that, for me, my ideal recovery is one where Anorexia is gone
completely, no trace left, no need for it, no niggling memory of it, no
active behaviors.
So slips to me mean that I am failing, and that is where I am right now, trying to reign in the new slips.
I
have been dreading writing this because, as previously mentioned, slips
to me mean that I have failed, means that the 'all' in the 'all or
nothing' logic is dangerously close, it means I'm balancing over a path
that I never want to go down again, or even already a few steps down it.
I have kept this quiet because I never wanted to utter the words 'I'm
really struggling' ever again.
I never wanted to break the trust that I have worked so hard to build.
But now I am uttering those words, because it's the reality and there is hope and learning in that.
The most frustrating thing in all this is the fact that I am happy, very happy, and yet here we are again. I
realize that my slip comes from many triggers, the main one being
anxious and aware of the unpredictability of all the good things in
life. Not feeling secure and on edge that at any second all the things
that have been built up can disappear, just like that, gone. The anxiety
sits heavy and the more I try to look for something secure and safe the
more I stumble across the safety of my Eating Disorder, it once again
becomes my life line, it means that if I do lose the good things that I still have something to hold on to.
I
do not recognize the person that I have become. I have gone from a girl
that copes by using self destruction, a self destruction that I naively
thought was invisible, to a girl that understood herself and almost
liked the strength she felt, to a girl that reacts to triggers and is
someone not very likeable.
So
please bear with me, I am trying to understand myself again, I'm trying
to understand my slip and learn from it and I know I may not be that
pleasant to be around at the moment but I am learning and adapting.
For those that are also clinging on to not letting the slips take them down onto a spiral, know that you are not alone in that.
Know
that if you are petrified about being too far into the 'all' path that
it's not too late to pull yourself out, because even though it might be
black or white. all or nothing, we forget that we still have a choice, and we
forget that we have always asked too much of ourselves.
It's
always been too much to starve or purge our way to near death, it's
always been too much to live by the rules we have created to try and
ease some kind of burden, it's always been too much to cause ourselves
the physical and mental pain that we have, and it has always been too
much to expect this to just go away over night.
There
will be slips, there will be the bad days and there will be hard times,
but it doesn't mean a fall down that rabbit hole again, it doesn't mean
we are hopeless, it means we are human and we have a fight ahead of us,
it means we have to cut ourselves some slack, breathe and, as always, trust the process.
It's going to be ok.