Be careful

I'm trying to remind myself of how strong I am, yes that's right, I am a tough cookie, and yes, that was a compliment I just gave myself, and what? 

I am a bundle of nerves and my brain is in over drive, thankfully not to the extent it used to be, but the anxiety is still sitting in the depth of my stomach. I have a DXA scan today, which means a hospital appointment, and since pretty much living in a hospital for a long period of time it's not a pleasant experience to go back to them, especially when it's for the same cause. 

I get annoyed and angry at myself, and beat myself up for not realizing the extent of the damage I had been doing to my body. 

At the time I didn't care, didn't expect or even want to get to a point where I wanted to look after myself or be ok. It seemed a ridiculous idea to give me all the medication under the sun to keep my body ticking over because if I'd of wanted to look after myself I wouldn't of been destroying myself.

I didn't expect to regret it, but I do. 

 I suppose at the time I didn't realize what I was doing, couldn't see how bad things were, and it makes me sad, not for me, but for the people that COULD see every bit of damage, every kilo lost, every organ that started to struggle, every backwards step, every health warning sign, every body failing scare, they saw it all, with clear unclouded vision. 

My Anorexia protected me from that, it gave me a healthy helping (ironically) of denial. My family on the other hand didn't have that luxury, and I will never forgive myself for that.

I wish I could tell more people that are suffering that, to be careful, because the damage you do to your body can be permanent, but your state of mind, your internal turmoil isn't. 

I get Timehop memories on my phone and reading through some of them breaks my heart, I was so wrapped up in Anorexic thoughts that it was all my life was about. 

I was consumed day in day out and it's exhausting to even remind myself of. 

I can't quite believe how far I have come and how much has changed, for the better. 

I never believed I would get here. 

Don't get me wrong I still have my slip ups, when I am stressed or anxious I sometimes find myself running to old coping mechanisms, but I catch myself at it and give myself a talking to. 

Seeing these memories, rereading past thoughts hits home just how much I have fought, what I have managed to pull myself out of.

Right now I am happy, once today is over I can go back to not stressing about things, go back to loving life.

I am happy and it's nice, I like being happy, I like finding things to smile and laugh about.

I can't say I feel comfortable in my own skin yet, I don't like my body but I can accept and even start to believe that someone else can/does. I can accept that it is what it is and it's better to be bigger and better then fading away both in size and in life. 

 I can find things that are worth more then my size, fill my days with more important things so that how much space I take up becomes irrelevant. 

I will keep looking back on these memories, not because I want to live in the past, not to be nostalgic, not because I want any part of that lifestyle back, but because it reminds me that I am seriously tough. 

Because I can smile and say, you may still lose a few battles from time to time, but you are kicking ass at winning this war.

 

 

 

Happy :)

'There is no point in living in the past' 

There isn't. I heard this over the weekend and it made me think. There is no point, unless you are reminding yourself of how far you have come and how much better off you are.

This weekend has show me that, and wow, what a difference a year makes. 

This time last year I was spending my birthday in hospital, to be more specific it was my 3rd month on the ward, and as much as the other girls tried to make it easier, I was miserable. 

 

Life looked dreary and bleak, I was lost, and to celebrate another year of my life just highlighted (what I thought was) my flaws and failures. It reminded me that I had just spent 3 months fighting for my life back, for the second time. I had to request leave to see my family and saw my birthday in, and out, in a lonely hospital room crying.

I will say it again, wow what a difference a year makes. 

This year I have been surrounded by such amazing friends and family, I have laughed, relaxed, drank, eaten, danced and more importantly, I have been so so happy. To be able to sit with my family and enjoy a birthday BBQ, which I'm sure they had no nerves about suggesting for fear I would fly off the handle, was such a change. 

We sat in the sunshine and it was nice to just be, no fears, no worries, no head trying to work out what I could get away with not having, no over thinking, no dreading being taken back to the ward, no anorexic voice screaming. Peaceful and content. 

It made me think about when everyone told me, so adamantly, that recovery would be hard, but oh so worth it, and they were right. 

I refused to believe them for such a long time but now, and for a while now, I think they might be right. 

Life has taken over and has repaid me ten fold. It's amazing to think of just how many things I have managed to do this weekend that would of been SO scary and near off impossible only a mere 365 days ago, things that would of reduced me to tears and question my whole world. 

Whereas this year it wasn't a case of just 'managing' or getting through, it was normal, and even ok, and I NEVER, no matter how much I had wanted recovery, I NEVER thought it would get to that stage.

So for those of you who are dabbling with recovery, who have doubts and worries and fears, please know that it is ok to feel that way, in fact it would be more worrying if you didn't! 

Choosing to recover goes against everything and every way you have been living, it is courageous and brave to even consider it. Being fearful of that path is natural. 

It is ok to doubt what recovery might bring, as long as it doesn't stop you from trying it. 

Do not let the fear of the unknown stop you, or the niggling doubt when people tell you that it is worth it take over and over power your strength, because I promise it CAN be worth it. 

Life CAN be better, it CAN have more meaning and more purpose. 

I never ever believed that I would be free from those feelings and impulses, I thought my kind of recovery would be just to manage and cope with all the negativity and behaviors.

I WAS WRONG.

I can hand on heart say that, for me, recovery IS worth it, and I know it can be for you too. 

Welcome back positivity!

So........I can do this. 

My positivity has come back, and I've decided that I can do this. Thanks to a very helpful and supportive tutorial I've been uplifted and my fight has returned, thank god! On the Wednesday I found out I was so pissed off and angry that I refused to listen to anyone. People kept trying to give me little inspirational pep talks but I was having none of it, because I knew, I knew that what they were saying was true, well some of it :P but for that day I just needed to be angry. I needed to be hurt and I didn't want to see logic. I was too angry.

We all know that life is unpredictable. No one knows how they will handle or react to a situation until they are in it. If my research made me relapse then that shows me that I just have some more learning and growing to do, and I take full responsibility for that. 

I am not going to go through life playing it safe and avoid the things that I am passionate about for fear of it triggering something in me. I'm not going to tip toe around life, that's not recovery. I chose to go down the recovery path so that I could live a whole and fulfilling life, one full of the passions that I fought so hard to get back, and that is what I'm going to do, 

I'm going to LIVE, unapologetically, fully and fearlessly. 

Well, I'm going to give it a good go anyway!

Not so positive

I cannot do this. 

I can, and I will, but right now I feel as though I cannot do this. 

My positivity has been shaken and it scares me how quickly it disappeared. 

I am angry. and pissed off, and hurt. It feels like I got to a point where I was finally being kind to myself, admitting that I WAS strong, taking myself to therapy to continue to develop, embracing new challenges and trying to 'feel the fear and do it anyway'. I finally felt like something had shifted, that I was even so strong that I could continue my growth and help be strong for others. 

I was logically looking at all the things that made me anxious and making a conscious decision to overcome them, push myself, grow.

As someone said to me last week, I have to not be afraid to be present in my own life if I want to be so present in others. 

Now I am beginning to doubt everything. It's like a big black cloud has settled over me and I feel that old familiar weight bearing down on my shoulders, and yes I do mean metaphoric weight but also a physical one as well, but yes I also do know that shifting that felt physical weight isn't going to rid the metaphorical one. I KNOW THAT. 

People have begun to doubt me, claim that I'm in denial with my recovery, and it makes my head kick off. I over think and worry that they may be right, I know deep down that they aren't but by being second guessed means that it takes away any pride that I have in fighting. I lose my spark and feel dampened and that little voice of 'oh sod it give up, if they still think you're failing just give up'. 

Because even though I do come across strong and hell bent on recovery it is still BLOODY HARD. Yes I may want it 100% and I may make it sound easy but it's not. Its a daily, hourly minute by minute fight against what has been instinctive for so long.

Today I want to give up. I have had my Ethics back and all I can see when I look at it is a page by page document that lays out how I am just not good enough. 

My head is kicking off big time and laughing at me, laughing at the fact that I ever thought i could achieve this. My heart is broken and I feel like a failure. I never believed people when they said I was a perfectionist but that part of me is going insane. What I submitted was laughable, they must of sat and reviewed it and just laughed at me, and I feel like an idiot for that. 

  I even had my married name on one part and my maiden on another (just to add in another embarrassing failure). They also said that,

'In view of your personal disclosure about your recent illness the committee are concerned about your potential vulnerability and personal risk in that the study may potentially create a re-emergence of your illness.'

There will be a day where people will find out about my past and see my strength rather then see my vulnerability. They will see how it has made me stronger rather then this fragile wallflower that needs protecting from the world and herself. 

Right now I feel broken. I feel like every aspect of life is against me. I would like to roll over and give up. My brain is screaming that I cannot do this anymore. I cannot handle the failing and I would rather run away and be broken. 

As much as I'd like to though I know this isn't going to happen, because even now, even now when I feel so shitty, there is about 2% of me that is screaming PROVE THEM WRONG. That is getting PISSED OFF and is getting ready to fight hard and turn this all around. I am stubborn and if someone tells me I can't do something I will do it just to prove I can. That 2% will be get to at least 90% at some point and I will continue, I know I will, and I know this will be a battle I can fight and win. Even if it is out of sheer stubbornness.

But right now, right now, I feel like I am not good enough for anything. 

Right now I feel like I cannot do this.

The only way out is through x

It's surprising how you can go from super positive to super low so quickly, apologizes for that, I think I am a touch run down and emotional,but this is the reality of recovery, you have to embrace the good and bear the bad. 

Right now I have a room full of things I wish I didn't have. I was strong, I didn't run away from my feelings and I faced the inevitably hard goodbye that I have put off for so long, and it was easier then I expected.
With the support of my family I kept my chin up, smiled, walked away and let go. Really let go, and in fact, it was freeing, hard, but freeing! I can finally start to draw a line under that part of my life, and I will, I am.

But even though it went smoothly the Gremlin in my head is giving me hell. I don't know if it's a mixture of all the stress that had built up being over and finally hitting, being over worked and being run down, but my mood seems to of plummeted. The fears that I feel about life are creeping back in and I can feel the negativity swarming around me, attaching themselves to every thought and making me doubt and over analyze.

The gremlin in my head is screaming at me, I am shutting it up and screaming back but sometimes I scream so loud for so long that I lose my voice.

All that I can focus on is the feeling of not being good enough, at anything. Failing. Falling. Inadequacy. Taking up too much space. Being uncomfortable in my body. And the overwhelming sense that I am not enough.

This is backed up by the constant thought that, I have failed at the one thing that we are put on this earth to do, our primary function apart from just living, the thing that we are all looking for, the one thing that gets us through life, our main goal, to love and be loved, because isn't that the purpose of life? To find love, to find someone to go through lives ups and downs with. My mind keeps going to that classic Sami place, the self critical, self hatred, place. Logically I know that it's not solely my fault, in fact I know that more then ever, but my gremlin is latching on to my weakened positivity and screaming at me.

I am glad I was able to walk away, and I await the day that its legally all over, but for now I am going to ride out this emotinal turmoil, continue to trust the process of recovery, and keep telling myself that:

although the world feels overwhelming right now, and I feel like I am not good enough for even the smallest of things, not enough for all of the things I want to do in this life, that I do not need to turn to old habits to prove otherwise. I do not need to block these feelings out because, as hard as they are, they are just that, feelings, and that this low point, this self doubting, this fear and ache will pass, and positivity will come back again. 

The only way out is through.

Right?

Be the change!

I've been trying to write this post for a while now, but I am panicking about it being good enough. Classic Sami.

I am starting to understand myself, notice my triggers, where I struggle, and also where I thrive, yes that's right, I can thrive :) It's like someone has found the light switch in my brain and its illuminated enough to be able to find my way around. 

I am determined to work on the reasons why I turned to anorexia in the first place, and for the first time I am not avoiding or running away. Its hard, bloody hard, and with other areas in my life being so difficult at the moment it's hard to ignore that gremlin that's screaming and tempting you to do what you have always done to manage. 

But that gremlin can take a run and jump, without me attached. 

I am content, I'd even go as far to say that I am happy, and not afraid to admit it, not afraid to mean it, not afraid to embrace it. I am starting to face my problems rather then run away from them, and, as scary as this is, the feeling of strength that come afterwards is so worth it. 

I was reading through my old blog today, the blog I wrote throughout my illness, and it's so sad. I read the words and can almost feel the pain that I was in, yet it feels like it wasn't me, and it makes me glad to not be in the midst of all of that drama, upset and agony anymore. It makes me even more sure that I don't want that life. I once wrote:

  'But then again I 'shouldn't' be a lot of things
I shouldn't be going to bed with a heavy empty heart every night because my husband hates me so much, hates the feel of me 'wasting away' so much that he refuses to sleep in the same bed as me
I shouldn't be crying inside with such hunger because I can't bring myself to just be normal
I shouldn't plan my work shifts, social occasion and appts around my ED
I shouldn't rely on other people to speak up for me
I shouldn't of wasted this time

I shouldn't BE a waste of time, a waste of space, a waste of life
I shouldn't be hurting or letting people own as badly as I am

I am one big shouldn't,
one big pile of flaws that's held together by its need to be flawless

 Its a deep and dark fog that I am in. It's scary how suffocating it becomes when you are searching for your way out. That once comforting, encompassing darkness begins to weigh you down and appear everywhere. You used to be able to control it and now it just engulfs you. It clings to you, your every thought, every move, your every breathe.
It does not linger like a shadow, it is a full body, constant hurricane.'

 I read this and it reminded me of something that was once said to me, that I'm hoping will help others, because we tend to have this trait of blaming ourselves, turning inwards and punishing ourselves for the way we are. 

If you are feeling like one big 'shouldn't' please know that there are no shoulds or shouldn'ts in recovery. You are where you are, you have unfortunately reached that point, its what you do NOW that matters, it's the baby steps you take to escape this hell that matters. 

Stop punishing yourself for your suffering, more punishment will only keep you in it, start FORGIVING yourself and start RESCUING yourself instead. 

Don't punish, adapt and heal. 

 

I am looking towards the future and excited that not only do I not see it involving Anorexia, I also don't want it to. For years I couldn't see a way out and was in this limbo of not wanting to get better but also not wanting to be ill. The fear of the unknown had me convinced that I didn't want a life without my Eating Disorder, it convinced me that a life without it would be out of control, panic ridden, messy and lonely. 

I can tell you that it's the exact opposite. 

 If this is the life that my gremlin made me so fearful of then I am starting to believe that fear can stop good things as well as bad.

 

I am not recovered but I am closer then I have ever been, and I am hell bent on getting there, and I'm hell bent on showing to others that life CAN get better. 

'Be the change you want to see in the world' 

xx

Life and rubbish GP's

My Anorexic brain is not happy right now....because I'm giving it no room to win. 

No room what so ever. 

I have been wondering what to write for a while now, mainly because the situation I was put in the other week still leaves me fuming. 

I had a run in with my GP, who quite clearly is not clued up on Mental Health conditions. 

I went due to people being concerned about me training for the Tough Mudder, when I was in hospital it was something that they told me often, to be wary of any future health concerns due to the stress my body had undergone. I was told countless times that it was amazing how it hadn't packed in in certain areas, because let's face it, it went from normal weight to underweight to a normal weight to an even more drastic underweight to a high weight and now back to a normal weight, and apart from the last change it was all by unhealthy behaviors. I have pushed my body to the point were my heart was ready to pack in and was close to renal failure. It's safe to say it's both fragile and strong and I need to start taking care of it.

So I went to the GP, just to get things checked over and she completley judged me on my size before even talking to me about how I am. She told me that for someone with severe anorexia who was emaciated they wouldn't have the energy to do the Tough Mudder (this is wrong on so many levels), she then looked me up and down and said 

'you don't look THAT unwell though' 

(personally I don't think I look 'unwell' at all as I am at a healthy weight), 

she then went on to say 'well I can't tell you to do it because if you drop down dead that would be my fault, and I can't tell you not to do it because, well, you're going to do it anyway'. 

THEN she said 'to be honest I don't want to get involved so good luck' and let me go on my merry way.

This was all said with a look on her face, and the tone of voice that just screamed 'you are wasting my time, what do you want ME to do about it?'

Now if I wasn't in such a 'fuck this I want recovery head space' that whole conversation would of been extremely triggering. GP's like her are the reason why people end up so ill. When I went to my GP in Bristol before the marathon I was of a similar weight (this is at the start of my training before it dropped so no one panic), but the reason why she was so concerned was because of my behaviors not because of my weight. In her professional opinion she told me that it was more then likely that I would die before I crossed the finish line because of the stress I was putting my body through. She saw past my weight, and saw my eating disorder for what it was at that time, a dangerous mental health condition. This GP knew my history and didn't ask me how I was, if I was engaging in old behaviors (which I'm not, I have my slip ups but no where near what it was), or if I was even still in recovery. 

She saw my healthy weight and assumed I was ok and that is dangerous. 

I am not angry for me because I know that I am ok, I am not letting her judgements affect me because to be brutally honest I'm fed up of being sick. I want a life that doesn't involve triggering doctors or worried friends and family, no thank you, been there done that, I choose life. BUT I'm angry because how many other sufferers has she treated this way? How many other GP's are out there like that? 

How much damage is being done by the professionals that are meant to be helping not harming.

If this sounds familiar, if you're GP is the same please, I beg you, find another one. There ARE good ones out there, ones that see your struggle without judgement and push for help, help you deserve. 

An Eating Disorder can be fatal at any weight, at any stage, for anyone. 

It has the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric condition. 

Do not become one of those mortality statistics because a GP wasn't aware of what they were dealing with, there are GPs that will know and will act and will fight with you. Fight for yourself by finding one. 

On a more positive note, after a few wobbles and tantrums last week I decided enough was enough and began to push forward more then I ever have, and life has rewarded me so far. 

At the weekend I went to my managers wedding and for once in my life had the 'normal' social gathering that I've always craved. I decided on impulse to join in with having some of the evening food,  now bare in mind this was CHOICE, I could of easily not of joined in, and also I have a HUGE fear about eating in front of my work friends, in the whole 8 months that I've worked there I never have. 

But I did, and the world didn't stop turning, and everything was ok, and in fact it made the night better, because I was part of it, I was included, I was living.