Lets fight this thing!

So I’ve been secretly having a bit of a relapse. 

There we go I said it, the cat is out of the bag, but neither the cat nor the bag is needed because it stops right here. 

I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been out of Exeter and surrounded by family or if I’ve just seen sense but I am not prepared to fall down this rabbit hole again. 

Things have been SO out of control recently that I predictably started using my one and only coping mechanism to get by again. Self-destruction. That way, in my head, nothing and no one can hurt me as much as I hurt myself, therefore if I am already hurting I am invincible. Wrong, but that is how my mind works. 

(Once again its crazy when you realise that an Eating Disorder really doesn’t have much to do with eating in the end)
 

I got wrapped up in the feeling of instability, that nothing in life was stable, people come and go and with it so does happiness and safety. It felt (and still does) that it was one loss after another, so what was the point?

If I had nothing to fight for then I may as well give in to the devil in my head, I didn’t have the energy to fight, I didn’t have the want or motivation. In fact having a small relapse gave me something to focus on other then the shit that was going on. Gave me a way out of dealing with things.  I didn’t have to think about stuff going on in Exeter, or my feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness, the death of my Nan, the final part of my divorce going through, the loneliness, the looming date of my incomplete dissertation, not being able to help people, not being e-bloody-nough…….the list is endless. I know right? Woe is me. 

Now don’t get me wrong this all sounds very thought out and planned. It wasn’t. Its only now upon reflection that I realise what was going on. No one plans to get into such a bad headspace that they turn to self-destruction to cope, no one.  It just happened, because it’s become habitual. I suppose when I first moved to Exeter, yes things were hard, but I was happy, therefore I didn’t need a coping mechanism. Now things are bloody tough and relapsing just happened, it’s the way I’ve coped for so long, turn inwards on myself.

Because of the things I have learnt during my inpatient stays, and because of all the amazing advice and love my friends and family have given me (I hate to name names because you are all amazing but Ella, Alice and Emily especially, you guys have seriously kept me safe, thank you) I can see that I can cope in other ways. 

I DO NOT have to resort to my eating disorder for security. 

I DO NOT have to show that I am struggling on my body, I have a voice and one I can use, one that if I find the right people will be listened to. 

I am turning this around because there is more to life. When I was coming home for the funeral this week I was worried that my family would notice that I had become a touch smaller in size, and it made me sad. I remember the time I came home and my brother said to me ‘Sami you’re looking really good, it’s so nice to not see you for a while then see you looking really well’. Now my brother is a man of few words, hugely sentimental and supportive but just not through words, so this meant a lot to me. In fact those words gave me a hell of a lot more sense of pride then seeing decreasing numbers ever could. It made me sad to think that when my family don't see me for a while they fear what I'm going to look like when I do eventually turn up.

So I have decided that, although it’ll be super uberly hard, I’m getting back on the recovery train.  

I will find other coping mechanisms. 

I will use my voice and speak up. 

I will not give in to the screaming in my head. 

I will fight and fight and fight. 

I DO have things to fight for, and on the days where I convince myself of otherwise, convince myself that my friends and family and the world of DMP would cope without me, then I will remind myself that if I can’t fight for that/them that I have the very basic, simple, thing to fight for. 

Myself. 

Whos with me?

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I was planning on writing a last blog for EDAW on Sunday, one that involved an optimistic view on how not all GPs were clueless, how I was lucky with mine and you could be lucky with yours if you tried. (Seriously be brave, you can do this)

Bare with me guys that blog is in me, it’s still there waiting to come out but right now my words, heart and soul are all being filled with something else.

Last night my family received some news that I think is still painfully sinking in. We were told that our beloved Nan, Nanny Jean, had passed away.

It’s a surreal feeling knowing that someone you love so dearly is no longer with you, no longer able to talk or move or even give you one of those beautiful smiles.  It is so hard to believe that one-second they were here and the next gone forever.  It is so heart wrenchingly painful that it creates an automatic panic, a panic to preserve and protect all that is left, quick remember, capture her laugh, her smell, her embrace, her presence and bottle it so that the memory lasts forever. Quick before it’s gone…..before you lose it forever……capture it quick…..If only you could.

You sit there speechless searching and searching for the words to say to make things ok, to make things better, less painful, more manageable, and not even for yourself but for those around you. You watch as others that you love dearly fall apart and crumble, knowing, even though it cuts to your core, that there is absolutely nothing you can do.  There is no solution as there is no problem, a problem can be fixed, this is unfixable.

It’s a double wammy of loss and hopelessness.

The funny thing about grief is that when it’s settling in it’s almost like you wear it on you. It’s written all over you. Walking around in public its almost as if you expect people to look at you and just KNOW. The cloud of darkness you carry is so real and so prominent to you that it’s hard to believe that other people can’t see it suffocating you and weighing you down.

RIP Nan. You loved and were loved by so many. 

Eating Disorder Awareness Week 2014

So I’ve been dreading this week.

This week is Eating Disorder awareness week, and I feel like I should do something for it. I should write something inspiring and uplifting, yet I have felt slightly disconnected from the whole event.  

I’m also very wary about what I write. This awareness week has seen me bitter and jealous, for ridiculous reasons. I’m jealous of those able to preach from a low BMI. 

Hear me out. 

It’s an easy thing to do, preach about recovery do’s and don’ts when you are not following your own advice. I’m not sure where this jealousy had sprung from, maybe it just comes from where my headspace is at the moment, but through thinking this I realised, EDAW shouldn’t be triggering that sense in someone, and it got me thinking. EDAW has too much emphasis on past reflections rather then hope for the future. Too many horror/warning stories and not enough RECOVERY and positive stories.

THIS post is not going to be one of those reflective ones, I am not going to write about how bad I was or wasn’t, how much treatment I did or didn’t need, how low my BMI did or didn’t get. There will be no numbers, no ‘courageous’ before and after pictures, we all know what anorexia looks like, we all know how the story goes, I am more interested in telling people that IT CAN GET BETTER. That there is HOPE, there is light at the end of the tunnel, there is LIFE.

This is my main irritation of EDAW, people reflect and sometimes it seems like an excuse to let their competitive side out, to show the world just how low they sank. Personally I don’t care. I think its just as hard for anyone with an ED, regardless of how low they got, to pull themselves out. Yes I know this illness is very competitive, even writing this way is making me brain scream YOU NEED TO PROVE YOU WERE ILL, but no I don’t need to prove myself to anyone. I suffered, am suffering, and that’s all you need to know. All you need to know is ANYONE can suffer, at ANY weight, age, gender ect.

So I urge you, this week, if you are oblivious to the world of ED’s (I am first off very jealous of you) but read up on it, if you suspect it in a friend, family member, work colleague, reach out to them, let them know that they don't have to be alone.

If you are a sufferer, let this week help you make some baby steps, because this week we are all challenging ourselves together, you won’t be alone. Wear an item of clothing that you’ve been avoiding, try a fear food, up your intake for a day, resist a behaviour, talk to someone, and if you can’t talk to someone then hint, get the ball rolling to reach out and let someone in, let someone help.

If you need a sign to reach out and get help, well THIS IS IT, you deserve to get better, you deserve to not be alone in this struggle, and I promise you, it will be worth it.

And for those trying to raise awareness…..lets do it by inspiring people to get better. Lets show them what life beyond an eating disorder can look like. Lets give people the most valuable thing that someone can give another sufferer……Hope. 

Proof to

Hold.On.Pain.Ends

And just for good measure here is the film I took part in for EDAW 2013

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYZTNDoXfBw