Wednesday, April 1, 2015


Timehop; it can be incredibly amusing and incredibly unneeded.

It can also remind you of the past and help you appreciate the present.

Yesterday it reminded me that it was the 31st March, it reminded me that a year a go I was desperately questioning my flaws.
It reminded me that 2 years a go I was dying, that I felt unloved by the person I was with and that my world was crumbling.
It reminded me that 3 years a go I was getting married. 

In reminding me of all these past events, past events that, lets be honest, I would cut out from my life if a magic Genie approached me and offered me the chance, it brought my brain to the present. This sounds like a trivial thing, don't we always live in the present?, but not for some and certainly not for me. I've been stuck in this mid 20's phase, a phase that no one tells you about, the one where you desperately want more out of life and just want to get the future sorted, concrete, secure. 

I am impatient and because I know what I want I just want to get to the finish line, now please, no seriously, now please? I guess in a way it gets more complicated, through having many months of my MA being told 'no' I automatically feel like I can't do it, with such a gap I feel out of the loop writing wise and that push back into essay writing is not a welcomed one. I have re entered a world where I am questioning my capability, and with so much doubt and insecurity (sorry I know that's not an attractive trait) the future not only feels far away but also a bit unobtainable. 

Then good old Timehop reminded me, the 31st last year, 2 years a go and 3 years a go, and it brought me to today. 

The 31st this year I got up early, got in my car (because yes I now own a car), 
I drove to Southampton (because yes I am now healthy enough to be legally allowed to drive), 
I went to The Priory (not for myself) 
and interviewed an Eating Disorder Consultant (once again not for myself but for research),
and I was shown around the Unit and introduced to nurses (not as a potential patient but as a professional).
I then went to visit my best friend and beautiful God son.
I spent time with my family.
I woke up looking forward to driving myself home and to spending time with someone who makes me very happy.

I guess what I am trying to say is that sometimes we can spend so much time wanting more, always wanting to get to the next step, wanting the future to happen now, that we forget that we are already in a future that we used to be so impatient for. We are always warned that life goes so fast, and I can see why, because we are always one step ahead in our minds/wants/needs and never really enjoying what we have right now, or for some just stepping back and seeing how far we have come.

Good old Timehop :)



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