Monday, June 23, 2014

Happy :)

'There is no point in living in the past' 

There isn't. I heard this over the weekend and it made me think. There is no point, unless you are reminding yourself of how far you have come and how much better off you are.
This weekend has show me that, and wow, what a difference a year makes. 

This time last year I was spending my birthday in hospital, to be more specific it was my 3rd month on the ward, and as much as the other girls tried to make it easier, I was miserable. 
Life looked dreary and bleak, I was lost, and to celebrate another year of my life just highlighted (what I thought was) my flaws and failures. It reminded me that I had just spent 3 months fighting for my life back, for the second time. I had to request leave to see my family and saw my birthday in, and out, in a lonely hospital room crying.

I will say it again, wow what a difference a year makes. 

This year I have been surrounded by such amazing friends and family, I have laughed, relaxed, drank, eaten, danced and more importantly, I have been so so happy. To be able to sit with my family and enjoy a birthday BBQ, which I'm sure they had no nerves about suggesting for fear I would fly off the handle, was such a change. 
We sat in the sunshine and it was nice to just be, no fears, no worries, no head trying to work out what I could get away with not having, no over thinking, no dreading being taken back to the ward, no anorexic voice screaming. Peaceful and content. 

It made me think about when everyone told me, so adamantly, that recovery would be hard, but oh so worth it, and they were right. 
I refused to believe them for such a long time but now, and for a while now, I think they might be right. 

Life has taken over and has repaid me ten fold. It's amazing to think of just how many things I have managed to do this weekend that would of been SO scary and near off impossible only a mere 365 days ago, things that would of reduced me to tears and question my whole world. 
Whereas this year it wasn't a case of just 'managing' or getting through, it was normal, and even ok, and I NEVER, no matter how much I had wanted recovery, I NEVER thought it would get to that stage.

So for those of you who are dabbling with recovery, who have doubts and worries and fears, please know that it is ok to feel that way, in fact it would be more worrying if you didn't! 
Choosing to recover goes against everything and every way you have been living, it is courageous and brave to even consider it. Being fearful of that path is natural. 
It is ok to doubt what recovery might bring, as long as it doesn't stop you from trying it. 
Do not let the fear of the unknown stop you, or the niggling doubt when people tell you that it is worth it take over and over power your strength, because I promise it CAN be worth it. 
Life CAN be better, it CAN have more meaning and more purpose. 

I never ever believed that I would be free from those feelings and impulses, I thought my kind of recovery would be just to manage and cope with all the negativity and behaviors.

I can hand on heart say that, for me, recovery IS worth it, and I know it can be for you too. 

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Welcome back positivity!

So........I can do this. 

My positivity has come back, and I've decided that I can do this. Thanks to a very helpful and supportive tutorial I've been uplifted and my fight has returned, thank god! On the Wednesday I found out I was so pissed off and angry that I refused to listen to anyone. People kept trying to give me little inspirational pep talks but I was having none of it, because I knew, I knew that what they were saying was true, well some of it :P but for that day I just needed to be angry. I needed to be hurt and I didn't want to see logic. I was too angry.

We all know that life is unpredictable. No one knows how they will handle or react to a situation until they are in it. If my research made me relapse then that shows me that I just have some more learning and growing to do, and I take full responsibility for that. 

I am not going to go through life playing it safe and avoid the things that I am passionate about for fear of it triggering something in me. I'm not going to tip toe around life, that's not recovery. I chose to go down the recovery path so that I could live a whole and fulfilling life, one full of the passions that I fought so hard to get back, and that is what I'm going to do, 

I'm going to LIVE, unapologetically, fully and fearlessly. 

Well, I'm going to give it a good go anyway!

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Not so positive

I cannot do this. 

I can, and I will, but right now I feel as though I cannot do this. 
My positivity has been shaken and it scares me how quickly it disappeared. 

I am angry. and pissed off, and hurt. It feels like I got to a point where I was finally being kind to myself, admitting that I WAS strong, taking myself to therapy to continue to develop, embracing new challenges and trying to 'feel the fear and do it anyway'. I finally felt like something had shifted, that I was even so strong that I could continue my growth and help be strong for others. 
I was logically looking at all the things that made me anxious and making a conscious decision to overcome them, push myself, grow.
As someone said to me last week, I have to not be afraid to be present in my own life if I want to be so present in others. 

Now I am beginning to doubt everything. It's like a big black cloud has settled over me and I feel that old familiar weight bearing down on my shoulders, and yes I do mean metaphoric weight but also a physical one as well, but yes I also do know that shifting that felt physical weight isn't going to rid the metaphorical one. I KNOW THAT. 

People have begun to doubt me, claim that I'm in denial with my recovery, and it makes my head kick off. I over think and worry that they may be right, I know deep down that they aren't but by being second guessed means that it takes away any pride that I have in fighting. I lose my spark and feel dampened and that little voice of 'oh sod it give up, if they still think you're failing just give up'. 
Because even though I do come across strong and hell bent on recovery it is still BLOODY HARD. Yes I may want it 100% and I may make it sound easy but it's not. Its a daily, hourly minute by minute fight against what has been instinctive for so long.

Today I want to give up. I have had my Ethics back and all I can see when I look at it is a page by page document that lays out how I am just not good enough. 
My head is kicking off big time and laughing at me, laughing at the fact that I ever thought i could achieve this. My heart is broken and I feel like a failure. I never believed people when they said I was a perfectionist but that part of me is going insane. What I submitted was laughable, they must of sat and reviewed it and just laughed at me, and I feel like an idiot for that. 
  I even had my married name on one part and my maiden on another (just to add in another embarrassing failure). They also said that,

'In view of your personal disclosure about your recent illness the committee are concerned about your potential vulnerability and personal risk in that the study may potentially create a re-emergence of your illness.'

There will be a day where people will find out about my past and see my strength rather then see my vulnerability. They will see how it has made me stronger rather then this fragile wallflower that needs protecting from the world and herself. 

Right now I feel broken. I feel like every aspect of life is against me. I would like to roll over and give up. My brain is screaming that I cannot do this anymore. I cannot handle the failing and I would rather run away and be broken. 

As much as I'd like to though I know this isn't going to happen, because even now, even now when I feel so shitty, there is about 2% of me that is screaming PROVE THEM WRONG. That is getting PISSED OFF and is getting ready to fight hard and turn this all around. I am stubborn and if someone tells me I can't do something I will do it just to prove I can. That 2% will be get to at least 90% at some point and I will continue, I know I will, and I know this will be a battle I can fight and win. Even if it is out of sheer stubbornness.

But right now, right now, I feel like I am not good enough for anything. 
Right now I feel like I cannot do this.