Monday, June 23, 2014

Happy :)

'There is no point in living in the past' 

There isn't. I heard this over the weekend and it made me think. There is no point, unless you are reminding yourself of how far you have come and how much better off you are.
This weekend has show me that, and wow, what a difference a year makes. 

This time last year I was spending my birthday in hospital, to be more specific it was my 3rd month on the ward, and as much as the other girls tried to make it easier, I was miserable. 
Life looked dreary and bleak, I was lost, and to celebrate another year of my life just highlighted (what I thought was) my flaws and failures. It reminded me that I had just spent 3 months fighting for my life back, for the second time. I had to request leave to see my family and saw my birthday in, and out, in a lonely hospital room crying.

I will say it again, wow what a difference a year makes. 

This year I have been surrounded by such amazing friends and family, I have laughed, relaxed, drank, eaten, danced and more importantly, I have been so so happy. To be able to sit with my family and enjoy a birthday BBQ, which I'm sure they had no nerves about suggesting for fear I would fly off the handle, was such a change. 
We sat in the sunshine and it was nice to just be, no fears, no worries, no head trying to work out what I could get away with not having, no over thinking, no dreading being taken back to the ward, no anorexic voice screaming. Peaceful and content. 

It made me think about when everyone told me, so adamantly, that recovery would be hard, but oh so worth it, and they were right. 
I refused to believe them for such a long time but now, and for a while now, I think they might be right. 

Life has taken over and has repaid me ten fold. It's amazing to think of just how many things I have managed to do this weekend that would of been SO scary and near off impossible only a mere 365 days ago, things that would of reduced me to tears and question my whole world. 
Whereas this year it wasn't a case of just 'managing' or getting through, it was normal, and even ok, and I NEVER, no matter how much I had wanted recovery, I NEVER thought it would get to that stage.

So for those of you who are dabbling with recovery, who have doubts and worries and fears, please know that it is ok to feel that way, in fact it would be more worrying if you didn't! 
Choosing to recover goes against everything and every way you have been living, it is courageous and brave to even consider it. Being fearful of that path is natural. 
It is ok to doubt what recovery might bring, as long as it doesn't stop you from trying it. 
Do not let the fear of the unknown stop you, or the niggling doubt when people tell you that it is worth it take over and over power your strength, because I promise it CAN be worth it. 
Life CAN be better, it CAN have more meaning and more purpose. 

I never ever believed that I would be free from those feelings and impulses, I thought my kind of recovery would be just to manage and cope with all the negativity and behaviors.

I can hand on heart say that, for me, recovery IS worth it, and I know it can be for you too. 

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