I cannot do this.
I can, and I will, but right now I feel as though I cannot do this.
My positivity has been shaken and it scares me how quickly it disappeared.
I am angry. and pissed off, and hurt. It feels like I got to a point where I was finally being kind to myself, admitting that I WAS strong, taking myself to therapy to continue to develop, embracing new challenges and trying to 'feel the fear and do it anyway'. I finally felt like something had shifted, that I was even so strong that I could continue my growth and help be strong for others.
I was logically looking at all the things that made me anxious and making a conscious decision to overcome them, push myself, grow.
As someone said to me last week, I have to not be afraid to be present in my own life if I want to be so present in others.
Now I am beginning to doubt everything. It's like a big black cloud has settled over me and I feel that old familiar weight bearing down on my shoulders, and yes I do mean metaphoric weight but also a physical one as well, but yes I also do know that shifting that felt physical weight isn't going to rid the metaphorical one. I KNOW THAT.
People have begun to doubt me, claim that I'm in denial with my recovery, and it makes my head kick off. I over think and worry that they may be right, I know deep down that they aren't but by being second guessed means that it takes away any pride that I have in fighting. I lose my spark and feel dampened and that little voice of 'oh sod it give up, if they still think you're failing just give up'.
Because even though I do come across strong and hell bent on recovery it is still BLOODY HARD. Yes I may want it 100% and I may make it sound easy but it's not. Its a daily, hourly minute by minute fight against what has been instinctive for so long.
Today I want to give up. I have had my Ethics back and all I can see when I look at it is a page by page document that lays out how I am just not good enough.
My head is kicking off big time and laughing at me, laughing at the fact that I ever thought i could achieve this. My heart is broken and I feel like a failure. I never believed people when they said I was a perfectionist but that part of me is going insane. What I submitted was laughable, they must of sat and reviewed it and just laughed at me, and I feel like an idiot for that.
I even had my married name on one part and my maiden on another (just to add in another embarrassing failure). They also said that,
'In view of your personal disclosure about your recent illness the committee are concerned about your potential vulnerability and personal risk in that the study may potentially create a re-emergence of your illness.'
There will be a day where people will find out about my past and see my strength rather then see my vulnerability. They will see how it has made me stronger rather then this fragile wallflower that needs protecting from the world and herself.
Right now I feel broken. I feel like every aspect of life is against me. I would like to roll over and give up. My brain is screaming that I cannot do this anymore. I cannot handle the failing and I would rather run away and be broken.
As much as I'd like to though I know this isn't going to happen, because even now, even now when I feel so shitty, there is about 2% of me that is screaming PROVE THEM WRONG. That is getting PISSED OFF and is getting ready to fight hard and turn this all around. I am stubborn and if someone tells me I can't do something I will do it just to prove I can. That 2% will be get to at least 90% at some point and I will continue, I know I will, and I know this will be a battle I can fight and win. Even if it is out of sheer stubbornness.
But right now, right now, I feel like I am not good enough for anything.
Right now I feel like I cannot do this.