Tuesday, July 15, 2014

An insecure bad ass

Just recently I have been confused as to where I stand in this recovery journey, mainly because my 'recovery journey' is turning into more of a 'just life journey'.
I've found that the majority of my thoughts are now leaning towards life, and 'normality' rather then battling through negotiating with my Eating Disorder to keep choosing to fight.

Through this shift I got confused as to who I was, I was lost between the persona of 'Recovery Sami' and just 'Sami'. 

Recovery Sami is bad ass.
I know that. I am coming up against challenges and just knocking them out of the park, and it feels ok, and with the right people, even though they don't know, it even feels safe. It makes life easier and even though I still have to battle through some illogical thoughts sometimes I know they are just that, illogical thoughts, nothing that can actually affect me if I don't let it.
Just recently I have been bombarded by people thinking that I am relapsing, I posted a picture on Instagram after a run and had people telling me that I was looking ill again. For a while it sent my head into a spin, over thinking, worrying, doubting, until I got angry.
My recovery is MY recovery and if I think I am safe to exercise then I will. But instead of getting angry and defensive I am letting it go and just simply proving people wrong. 
Actions speak louder then words. 

But as I was saying, Recovery Sami is bad ass. Sami, actual Sami, is not so bad ass. 
As much as I'd like to think I am, I'm not. 
I am a worrier, an overthinking, impatient, and I never feel like I am enough. I've been trying to get my bad ass'ness to overlap, to kick my confidence into place, and sometimes I can, sometimes I can hold my head up high and remind myself that I'm not so bad. 
Other days I can't.
Then there are days were I just compare myself to everyone, especially at work, my brain kicks off into 'not as pretty as her, not as funny her, not as quick witted as her, not as liked as her' ect ect. 
My brain switches into that self critical mode, that mode that correlates so clearly with my Anorexia.
And for a while, because I've begun to think this way again, I believed the people that said I was relapsing. 
I felt my thoughts begin to take a turn and started to doubt my bad ass recovery side. 

Well I'm an idiot. 
Just because I can be insecure doesn't mean I am mentally ill again.......it means I'm flipping human.
What person, be it female or male, doesn't doubt themselves from time to time?  
Doesn't wonder if they are enough?

Sometimes I think we expect the life after recovery to be all happiness and fairytales. 
It's not. Sorry.
 Life still carries on and you will still come up against difficult situations. People promise you recovery will be worth it, and it will be, but that doesn't mean that life suddenly becomes easier. Life has more joy, more fulfillment, more meaning, more happiness but you will still have the tough times. But being in recovery hopefully means you are more equipped to deal with them, more able to make it through in a healthy way. Being in recovery can also mean that the insecurities aren't as smothering. Now if I'm having a bad day, with my self esteem at an all time low,  it only takes something little for me to snap out of it, be it a friend making me laugh, or the guy I'm seeing to say something nice, and all of a sudden I'm back to being a bad ass. 
Recovery means you can deal with these feelings, sit with them, then remind yourself that there's a possibility that things aren't so bad, YOU might not be so bad.

My insecurities will always be there, even if I'm not insecure about recovering, being a bad ass through that journey doesn't make me a bad ass for life, it means I'm stronger but I can still be vulnerable. 

I am no longer Mentally ill..........I am human. 
Insecure, but human.
Insecure and self critical but still a recovery bad ass.

An insecure bad ass.

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