Relapse

Yesterday I hated this blog.
I hated the fact that I have created this new sense of strength, and that it stopped me reaching out and from telling people that I was struggling, because yesterday I really was.

It was, for many reasons, incredibly hard. 

Everything felt out of control and unpredictable and I felt overwhelmed with life. 

It was by far the worst day I've had in recovery so far.

Throughout the day I couldn't shake the feeling of the past.

Moments and Eating Disorder memories kept popping into my head, and the feelings that it triggered where so overwhelming, it was like intense flashbacks one after the other, and there was nothing I could do to stop them.

It all came back to me in a flood of flashbacks, and every painful memory, every shattering emotion, I felt all over again. 

I have no idea why or where it came from. Maybe because I'd had a few triggers happen in quick succession and my brain went into a bit of a melt down, but all I could think of was relapse. I craved it. It was like something snapped in my brain and I couldn't handle it. 

It broke my heart. Not because of the reasons you'd think, it broke me because even though it was such intense feelings my logical brain was still not allowing me to go backwards. 

I had to deal with these feelings and battle through, I had to feel the pain and not numb it with my Eating Disorder.

Relapse is not an option, it won't happen, but yesterday I craved it, and it broke my heart. Knowing you want something so badly, but knowing you can never have it is soul destroying. It's like mourning the loss of someone or something you loved, I can never have my anorexia back, that is a choice I have made, it is MY choice and one I will stick too, but it doesn't stop me from missing it, from craving it. Just like I'm sure a heorin addict craves a hit but knows it can't happen. Its an addiction, and boy did I feel it yesterday.

I wanted it more then anything, I was in tears, on my knees, begging my logical brain to just shut the hell up and let me relapse to let me give in and give up.

I won't relapse, because I truly believe if I did I would not make it out the other side this time. I am not willing to waste any more of my life and time on something that would not only destroy me but my family too. Im not going to give up on this recovery path because I would only have to do all this hard work again. I am hell bent on recovery and living life to the fullest. I know that now, but yesterday I had to remind myself of this over and over again, in between all the tears, in between the memories, over and over. 

This morning it is a different story, I woke up to a new day and my brain has settled, I got straight back on the right track and went out to breakfast with the guy I am seeing, and I'm back to being happy and content and it is a relief. It just goes to show that no matter how intense feelings are, they pass, and things can feel better. 

That one day has left me exhausted, and I am amazed at how I used to feel like that day in day out, which makes me even more thankful that I made it through, and even more amazed that I managed to pull myself out of that darkness. 

I know this may not seem like an upbeat post, or as 'positive and inspiring' as my others, but its the truth, recovery is hard, there are blips, but I made it through yesterday, I cried my tears and felt the pain of not allowing myself to fall backwards, I made it through, the feelings passed, I survived, and that will help me to continue surviving. 

I am stronger then I used to be.

'“My worst days in recovery are better than the best days in relapse.”