Monday, September 1, 2014

What now?

I am impatient. 

I am being impatient about life, and it's getting me down. 

I came to Exeter to start my recovery journey, to slowly adapt to being content and happy, to learn how to cope with lifes ups and downs in a less life threatening way. It's been a bumpy road but I believe that I am now there, I have achieved a strong stability in recovery, which is great, but what now? 

Now that I am no longer striving to just be able to cope with myself and the world around me what am I supposed to be doing? I feel like I am in limbo, the limbo of not quite recovered but recovered enough to move on. Which is great. But I am impatient and I now want everything all at once. I want everything that Anorexia took away from me and I want it all at high speed. I am in a place where I can look back and want to cry out of frustration because of all of the time and opportunity that I have robbed myself of. 
I feel like I'm back to square one in life and to start rebuilding seems daunting and I crave just being able to jump a few years a head to being at the place that I was before I let everything fall apart.

I am happy and content, everything in my life is good, some things even amazing, but me? me as a person, I am not enough.  
I have built myself a firm foundation to grow from but I can't help but kick myself for still being at the foundation stage, and yet I know why I am still there, because I don't feel good enough for the dreams that I hold so dear. 

I took time out of my course, I let my illness win and to me that feels like I have let the world of DMP down. I avoid my research and tip toe around getting back involved because I feel like I am not worthy of being part of that world. As I write this I know how stupid it sounds but the feeling of not being good enough is holding me back more then it ever has. I have a lot to prove and that's even scarier then just being purely capable.

I will talk to anyone that will listen about the wonders of Dance Movement Psychotherapy, and I will feel that fire reignite inside of me, I change, I feel alive, animated, excited and I will smile and remember how much I believe in it all. That passion becomes so strong that it takes over all of me and I FEEL it, really feel it, and I automatically want it back in my life then and there.  It's an amazing feeling, until I remember that the fear of me going back to it is crippling and petrifying. 

As my mum has always taught me 'Where there's a will there's a way' and that wanting something doesn't mean you get it. Things take hard work, and I am willing to work hard, I can work my ass off if I put my mind to something. I just need to get past my fear of not being good enough, my fear of failing, my fear of not being the best I can be.

Recovery has been the best thing I have ever done, hardest, but best, yet now that journey feels over and I'm all of a sudden just a girl who wants to be more. 
A girl who wants to be more, but yet isn't sure she can be. 

Being impatient and insecure is not a good combination.

1 comment:

  1. I totally get the impatient and insecure in one hit thing Sami, and this is the bit - away from anorexia that takes the most time. It's a long old road of rebuilding. I am struggling to accept I've lost 3 years of relationships, careers and life to that illness - and I need it back. But it took that long to unravel - it's going to take as long to get it back. But when YOU and I both do, it'll be 100x better than we expected. Keep strong and trust that wonderful things lie ahead for you xxx