Saturday, August 16, 2014

The light is YOU

'The light at the end.....that light is YOU' - Mark Tait

I remember the day this was said to me. I remember being moved and speechless.
 I remember being told that the light at the end of the tunnel was me, I was the light.
I remember another day when someone else placed a candle in front of me and I remember the meaning behind it, and I remember my heart breaking into the tiniest of pieces.
I remember these moments touching me, I didn't understand, but I was moved by the beauty and potential.

Now I understand. 

I saw an old friend the other day, one who I met when in hospital. We have both come a long way and it was nice to talk about LIFE rather then old struggles. But, as we do, we spoke about those still suffering, how people we know have gone downhill again, got worse, was trying to get better, those that seem to never really change, those that seem to be even more entrenched then the last time. Talking this through it hit me that it doesn't matter how much help you get, it must come from YOU. 

I remember when my secret was out, when people started to figure out what I was hiding, I was so angry. I'd be angry because no one was taking it away. I'd rant and rave about how nobody was doing anything, then I'd rant and rave when they (in my eyes) would do too much. I would sit at home in floods of tears praying that the people who I held so dear, the people who were reaching out and helping me, would start caring enough to DO SOMETHING. I would cry so hard that I felt like the simple act of crying was sure to kill me. I wanted someone to take my pain and suffering away, with all my heart I wanted someone to make it better, to make ME better. Their inability to do so resulted in me thinking that they didn't care enough, or that I wasn't ill enough, that I wasn't enough, that I wasn't worth the effort. 

It seems so clear now but when you are powerless to the self destruction it's hard to see things the way they really are. Its hard to admit that you are the only one who can save you. When you are full of self hatred the thought that you have to somehow grasp enough want to fight, to effectively fight yourself, is both daunting and petrifying. No one could DO anything. It had to be from ME. 

If you are stuck in that place where you are falling down the rabbit hole, screaming out for help and no one seems to be catching you, please know that everything you need to pull yourself out is within YOU. 
People can help, they can nudge you along, point you to right paths, hold your hand whilst you utter those words that all of sudden become real, scary, true, but it has to be from YOU.
Support is important, without it my journey would have been a lot harder and a lot longer, but it was ME that pulled myself out. I was reminded that I was in control and I had choices. I choose to fight.
If you can't choose that right now it doesn't mean you are never going to get better, it doesn't meant people shouldn't help, it means that with time that can change, it means that if you keep at it the fight can grow.
It often feels in recovery like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.
Remember that one of those paths leaves you stagnant, it leaves you in the darkness that you've been in for far too long, the other path will feel just as shit, if not worse for a while, but it will lead you out, it will lead you to freedom, and that freedom is worth fighting for. 

You have the power within you to fight, don't wait for people to fight for you, as much as they would like to, they cant.  Don't get angry because nobody is handing you a magic pill to make it go away, it doesn't mean they don't care, nobody has it. Don't get angry because nobody is shining a light at the end of the tunnel for you, Mark is right, you have to be your own light.

'The light at the end.....that light is YOU' - Mark Tait

I understand now. I understand because I am out of that tunnel, and I am happy. I am the happiest I have been in a long long time. I didn't leave the tunnel specifically for anything, to achieve something, to gain something, I left purely for me, and the light is that I got ME back. 
One of the proudest moments of my life is having my dad text me telling me that he was so happy because his 'old Sami is back', and she is. 
I may not be head over heels in love with myself, but this version of me is far better then any version that Anorexia could give me. 
This Sami has life in her eyes, a skip in her step and passion in her heart and that's the way it's going to stay. 
Im embracing the light and blocking off the tunnel 

1 comment:

  1. I will probably never get to meet you. Never get to thank you in person, so the best I can do is leave a comment here.
    This post resonated through me. I haven't had the same struggles as you, but I have had, and am having, a lot of the same thought processes. The same mental blocks and needs to kick myself back down. But this gave me hope. A light. Keep pushing. Keep fighting. And know wherever I am, I am with you and fighting for you and myself.
    Take care. x