Be the change!

I've been trying to write this post for a while now, but I am panicking about it being good enough. Classic Sami.

I am starting to understand myself, notice my triggers, where I struggle, and also where I thrive, yes that's right, I can thrive :) It's like someone has found the light switch in my brain and its illuminated enough to be able to find my way around. 

I am determined to work on the reasons why I turned to anorexia in the first place, and for the first time I am not avoiding or running away. Its hard, bloody hard, and with other areas in my life being so difficult at the moment it's hard to ignore that gremlin that's screaming and tempting you to do what you have always done to manage. 

But that gremlin can take a run and jump, without me attached. 

I am content, I'd even go as far to say that I am happy, and not afraid to admit it, not afraid to mean it, not afraid to embrace it. I am starting to face my problems rather then run away from them, and, as scary as this is, the feeling of strength that come afterwards is so worth it. 

I was reading through my old blog today, the blog I wrote throughout my illness, and it's so sad. I read the words and can almost feel the pain that I was in, yet it feels like it wasn't me, and it makes me glad to not be in the midst of all of that drama, upset and agony anymore. It makes me even more sure that I don't want that life. I once wrote:

  'But then again I 'shouldn't' be a lot of things
I shouldn't be going to bed with a heavy empty heart every night because my husband hates me so much, hates the feel of me 'wasting away' so much that he refuses to sleep in the same bed as me
I shouldn't be crying inside with such hunger because I can't bring myself to just be normal
I shouldn't plan my work shifts, social occasion and appts around my ED
I shouldn't rely on other people to speak up for me
I shouldn't of wasted this time

I shouldn't BE a waste of time, a waste of space, a waste of life
I shouldn't be hurting or letting people own as badly as I am

I am one big shouldn't,
one big pile of flaws that's held together by its need to be flawless

 Its a deep and dark fog that I am in. It's scary how suffocating it becomes when you are searching for your way out. That once comforting, encompassing darkness begins to weigh you down and appear everywhere. You used to be able to control it and now it just engulfs you. It clings to you, your every thought, every move, your every breathe.
It does not linger like a shadow, it is a full body, constant hurricane.'

 I read this and it reminded me of something that was once said to me, that I'm hoping will help others, because we tend to have this trait of blaming ourselves, turning inwards and punishing ourselves for the way we are. 

If you are feeling like one big 'shouldn't' please know that there are no shoulds or shouldn'ts in recovery. You are where you are, you have unfortunately reached that point, its what you do NOW that matters, it's the baby steps you take to escape this hell that matters. 

Stop punishing yourself for your suffering, more punishment will only keep you in it, start FORGIVING yourself and start RESCUING yourself instead. 

Don't punish, adapt and heal. 

 

I am looking towards the future and excited that not only do I not see it involving Anorexia, I also don't want it to. For years I couldn't see a way out and was in this limbo of not wanting to get better but also not wanting to be ill. The fear of the unknown had me convinced that I didn't want a life without my Eating Disorder, it convinced me that a life without it would be out of control, panic ridden, messy and lonely. 

I can tell you that it's the exact opposite. 

 If this is the life that my gremlin made me so fearful of then I am starting to believe that fear can stop good things as well as bad.

 

I am not recovered but I am closer then I have ever been, and I am hell bent on getting there, and I'm hell bent on showing to others that life CAN get better. 

'Be the change you want to see in the world' 

xx