Wednesday, May 28, 2014

The only way out is through x

It's surprising how you can go from super positive to super low so quickly, apologizes for that, I think I am a touch run down and emotional,but this is the reality of recovery, you have to embrace the good and bear the bad. 

Right now I have a room full of things I wish I didn't have. I was strong, I didn't run away from my feelings and I faced the inevitably hard goodbye that I have put off for so long, and it was easier then I expected.
With the support of my family I kept my chin up, smiled, walked away and let go. Really let go, and in fact, it was freeing, hard, but freeing! I can finally start to draw a line under that part of my life, and I will, I am.

But even though it went smoothly the Gremlin in my head is giving me hell. I don't know if it's a mixture of all the stress that had built up being over and finally hitting, being over worked and being run down, but my mood seems to of plummeted. The fears that I feel about life are creeping back in and I can feel the negativity swarming around me, attaching themselves to every thought and making me doubt and over analyze.

The gremlin in my head is screaming at me, I am shutting it up and screaming back but sometimes I scream so loud for so long that I lose my voice.

All that I can focus on is the feeling of not being good enough, at anything. Failing. Falling. Inadequacy. Taking up too much space. Being uncomfortable in my body. And the overwhelming sense that I am not enough.

This is backed up by the constant thought that, I have failed at the one thing that we are put on this earth to do, our primary function apart from just living, the thing that we are all looking for, the one thing that gets us through life, our main goal, to love and be loved, because isn't that the purpose of life? To find love, to find someone to go through lives ups and downs with. My mind keeps going to that classic Sami place, the self critical, self hatred, place. Logically I know that it's not solely my fault, in fact I know that more then ever, but my gremlin is latching on to my weakened positivity and screaming at me.

I am glad I was able to walk away, and I await the day that its legally all over, but for now I am going to ride out this emotinal turmoil, continue to trust the process of recovery, and keep telling myself that:

although the world feels overwhelming right now, and I feel like I am not good enough for even the smallest of things, not enough for all of the things I want to do in this life, that I do not need to turn to old habits to prove otherwise. I do not need to block these feelings out because, as hard as they are, they are just that, feelings, and that this low point, this self doubting, this fear and ache will pass, and positivity will come back again. 

The only way out is through.


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