My Anorexic brain is not happy right now....because I'm giving it no room to win.
No room what so ever.
I have been wondering what to write for a while now, mainly because the situation I was put in the other week still leaves me fuming.
I had a run in with my GP, who quite clearly is not clued up on Mental Health conditions.
I went due to people being concerned about me training for the Tough Mudder, when I was in hospital it was something that they told me often, to be wary of any future health concerns due to the stress my body had undergone. I was told countless times that it was amazing how it hadn't packed in in certain areas, because let's face it, it went from normal weight to underweight to a normal weight to an even more drastic underweight to a high weight and now back to a normal weight, and apart from the last change it was all by unhealthy behaviors. I have pushed my body to the point were my heart was ready to pack in and was close to renal failure. It's safe to say it's both fragile and strong and I need to start taking care of it.
So I went to the GP, just to get things checked over and she completley judged me on my size before even talking to me about how I am. She told me that for someone with severe anorexia who was emaciated they wouldn't have the energy to do the Tough Mudder (this is wrong on so many levels), she then looked me up and down and said
'you don't look THAT unwell though'
(personally I don't think I look 'unwell' at all as I am at a healthy weight),
she then went on to say 'well I can't tell you to do it because if you drop down dead that would be my fault, and I can't tell you not to do it because, well, you're going to do it anyway'.
THEN she said 'to be honest I don't want to get involved so good luck' and let me go on my merry way.
This was all said with a look on her face, and the tone of voice that just screamed 'you are wasting my time, what do you want ME to do about it?'
Now if I wasn't in such a 'fuck this I want recovery head space' that whole conversation would of been extremely triggering. GP's like her are the reason why people end up so ill. When I went to my GP in Bristol before the marathon I was of a similar weight (this is at the start of my training before it dropped so no one panic), but the reason why she was so concerned was because of my behaviors not because of my weight. In her professional opinion she told me that it was more then likely that I would die before I crossed the finish line because of the stress I was putting my body through. She saw past my weight, and saw my eating disorder for what it was at that time, a dangerous mental health condition. This GP knew my history and didn't ask me how I was, if I was engaging in old behaviors (which I'm not, I have my slip ups but no where near what it was), or if I was even still in recovery.
She saw my healthy weight and assumed I was ok and that is dangerous.
I am not angry for me because I know that I am ok, I am not letting her judgements affect me because to be brutally honest I'm fed up of being sick. I want a life that doesn't involve triggering doctors or worried friends and family, no thank you, been there done that, I choose life. BUT I'm angry because how many other sufferers has she treated this way? How many other GP's are out there like that?
How much damage is being done by the professionals that are meant to be helping not harming.
If this sounds familiar, if you're GP is the same please, I beg you, find another one. There ARE good ones out there, ones that see your struggle without judgement and push for help, help you deserve.
An Eating Disorder can be fatal at any weight, at any stage, for anyone.
It has the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric condition.
Do not become one of those mortality statistics because a GP wasn't aware of what they were dealing with, there are GPs that will know and will act and will fight with you. Fight for yourself by finding one.
On a more positive note, after a few wobbles and tantrums last week I decided enough was enough and began to push forward more then I ever have, and life has rewarded me so far.
At the weekend I went to my managers wedding and for once in my life had the 'normal' social gathering that I've always craved. I decided on impulse to join in with having some of the evening food, now bare in mind this was CHOICE, I could of easily not of joined in, and also I have a HUGE fear about eating in front of my work friends, in the whole 8 months that I've worked there I never have.
But I did, and the world didn't stop turning, and everything was ok, and in fact it made the night better, because I was part of it, I was included, I was living.